


Top Ten - For the Thalmor Himself

by TheMulletWhisperer



Category: Elder Scrolls, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Assassination, Comedy, F/M, Humor, Newspapers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 13:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6958729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMulletWhisperer/pseuds/TheMulletWhisperer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After eliminating a rather dangerous Thalmor spy in Dawnstar, Galina pulls a rather sensationalist bit out of a newspaper and forces her Thalmor boyfriend to read it--much to the amusement of the entire tavern.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Top Ten - For the Thalmor Himself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SoftlyTea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoftlyTea/gifts).



> This one's based off of Clickbait by SoftlyTea, go check it out here:
> 
> http://softlytea.tumblr.com/post/144851958253/30-days-of-skyrim-drabbles-day-7-clickbait
> 
> for the full article, and what Arkved is reacting to!

“Hey! Sadass! C’mere!” Galina gestured to the Altmer behind her as she read over the last page of a rather large paper.

“Why did we have to use codenames?” 

“Uh, because codenames are fun?”

“Yeah but yours is  _ imposing _ , mine is…”

“Pfft,  _ Blonde Falcon _ , really Arkved?”

“It sounds good!”

Galina gave another scoff. “Yeah, well, you chose my name, I chose yours. Look at this,” she flipped the page to the first one and handed the top-bound paper to him, which he took with a bit of apprehension. 

Squinting at the title, he tried to figure out what it said, “Black Hor...H..Hor C? Black Horsie? What is this?” In fairness to the poor Altmer, the title was mostly obscured by blood. 

“Black Horse Courier, dear.”

“Ooooh.” He said with a nod, reading down the page for a moment before pausing at what Galina had seen. In a voice that tried to sound scandalized, but more confused, he read the title out loud, “‘Ten Things You Didn’t Know About the Thalmor (Number Seven Will Shock You)’...what in the name of Auri-El…” The last part was muttered to himself.

The title seemed to draw the attention of most of the tavern-goers away from the dead Altmer in the corner, whom they were rather obligingly avoiding commenting on. Unaware of his new audience, Arkved flipped to the proper page and started reading down the list.

On each number, he seemed to have a comment for something.

“You are certainly right our outfits are superior!” He exclaimed to the tavern, “Why, it is..they are...well they are superior is what they are!”

“Arkved.”

“What?”

“I own nicer clothes than those robes.”

“Your clothes are...human, and...stupid!”

“Oh how it hurts.” Her tone was overtly sarcastic. “Keep reading.”

“Equally as superior...is that...no, that is not right. Is it? I think so. Maybe. No, it is not. No.” Finally satisfied with his answer, he continued reading. “Hah! Please, the Altmer will  _ always _ have someone to be uh...superior t--what do they say about tall men? That they are tall? Superior? Well they are correct, but we are more superior than the tall men because..we are superior, and also taller!”

Galina rolled her eyes and suppressed a chuckle, as were the patrons. However, it seemed the Altmer was just a bit too engrossed in his reading to notice.

“I wonder who comes in first...probably Elenwen. Oh yes, Elenwen is  _ always _ the handsomest-est of the Thalmor, nobody ever comments on us justiciars,  _ Elenwen _ is always the most handsome man,  _ Elenwen _ is who everyone wants, not us lowly  _ justiciars _ .” Obviously, he was unaware of his speaking out loud, as well as his other, rather  _ glaring _ mistake.

“Humanity! Pfft! More like...mer..manity! Elf...Elfmanity. Yes, Elfmanity, not humanity! Elenwen’s soirees indicate a glimmer of Elfmanity! Th--we do not smile! We intimidate! Be superior!” He was getting better at the lying, at least.

As he continued reading through, he seemed to get hung up on one of the words, his lips moving as he tried to sound it out in his head before speaking aloud. “Ri..risk...r--uh...risky? Risky. It is not that dangerous to read our literature, what is this on about?”

“Hecerinde? Oh he is not  _ that _ deformed. Just old and...old. And odd. He is very weird. He tried to grab my buttocks through my armor once, I think he thought I was a female. No, he is not  _ that _ bad.”

“Hah! Quite not, I am in a..a...oh, yes, no I see. I see what this means. It..brandy?  _ Colovian _ brandy? Is that... _ human _ ? Why, it...it is probably made of...of rat feces and mud!” Recycling that old line. Nice.

“Our intelligence network…” He looked up at the dead Altmer in the corner, covered in blood. “I think that...was the only true thing in this article, it..cabbage. It follows with cabbage! What can you even do with cabbage? Eat it? Wear it?...eat it?”

With a stifled laugh, she gently took the paper from him and set it back on the table. “Yeah uh...you know you were reading aloud that whole time, right?”

“I WAS WHAT?!”

“You were rea--”

“What if someone heard me?! What if…”

“Arkved. Calm down. He’s dead.”

“But…”

“He’s dead, Arkved.”

“Oh...oh right, yes, I forgot because I was too busy...being superior to him. Or...yes, that.”

With another roll of her eyes, the Nord tosses a pouch of coins onto the counter. “Here’s for the mess, sorry about that.”

The man standing behind the bar simply raised his hand in dismissal. “No need. Anyone who kills those Elf bastards is fine by me.”

Galina took Arkved’s hand before he could say anything and dragged him towards the door, stepping out into the frigid air of Dawnstar.


End file.
